Promise To Me

I'm missing him like crazy rightnow.
He promised to me he'll be at home after work and go talk to me.
He said he works in the morning and finish in evening. Now is 00:44 and he has 6 hours later than me.
He still not showing up. Where's he now? I can even count how long we've not talking a week more.
Feels hard to spending a day without his face. Fuck text, I wanna see him. Extremely wanna hug him and never let it ends. He makes me crazy. Like nobody could do to me.
Argh, now he turns my mood down. Feelin blue to know that he wont come to what we usualy do, Skyping.

You Lost Me

Relationships between mom and daughter are the most complex - Wynonna Jude.

Yeah, I feel that. Maybe I am not a perfect and nice daughter. But what I can do if I lost trust for her? I feel like we are not like we used to be. Chatting, laughing, and sharing story together. The most I miss is the time when she tells me about my chilhood. I can remember exactly when I stopped to had breastfeeding, age when I started to step, and the time when I had dissease that almost took my life.

But what now? Feel like she is a stranger, and I am a stranger for her. She has been tried to talk to me, to ask what my problems, and how I could passed the bussy day. I just answer with ignorant words.

Feel guilty.... Yes, I do.

But that wasn't my fault at all. I'm not a person who likes to spread my anger to everybody, if I just mad at one person, I'd be different to another person. Not at this time. I feel dissapointed because of her behaviour 2 years latter. And when her phone alarm ringing in the early morning, I just wanna dismiss it but then I read messages from a stranger man (for me) that he said he wanna do something as a husband does. And that is disgusting, if you know what I mean.

I never blame on her to the broken of my family, my dad as well. Until I found out something that could change her behaviour and attitude. She maybe never change to me, her love.

I feel enough for getting her attention of me since I coudnt get her attention when I tried to talk to her. Too happy with her phone, I bet. I just let it go and try to get anything I need by myself. 

She's enough to thinking about her responsibilities. I am 18 and mature enough to be alone.

Everything has changed, since I couldn't go along with my parents like when I'm 10 year-old we went to the shop together. 

She has to be happy because she deserves it.

I cant stand with this moment. Just fed up with my mom and I cant be softly talk to my mom. I know she doesnt know why I changed my behaviour to her  suddenly. I just cant feel like I am happy. Okay I'm smiling. To everyone. But I cant smile to my mom even a little. I dont know how I could be like I used to be to my mom. Maybe if she stops to text the man and stay away from him. Or even she marry with that man. 

I hate if she just hide it. That she has a person who can makes her happy, who can caring her, or whatsoever. 

Perhaps if they say it to me, that they are in love. I could support them like I'd happy to have new dad.

But no more. My heart broken to pieces to know what my mom has been done. She cheated my trust on her.

Randomly Random Thought

ini curhatan temen sekelas gw dikampus, namanya Arinda "Dimana kebanyak remaja seumuran gue lagi enjoying their life dgn main, cinta, dan dunia remaja lainya..
Gue di paksa ud dewasa skap dan pkiran, menjadi eksekutif ketika di kantor, menjadi hangat ktika mengurus rumah, dan mncoba mnjadi yg berintelektual di kampus..
Smuanya harus di slsaikan dgn catatan wkt yg ud di rancang. Ga boleh mleset antara 1 kegiatan dgn yg lainya..
Malam ketika hening inilah wkt curhat kepadaNya, curhat yg melegakan dbanding dgn sypa pun, curhat yg menguatkan dari ya Rabb..
Dan minggu kembali jadi balitanya mama di rumah trlepas dr aktifitas org dwasa ini.
Ooohhh hidup, bagai. Pelangi.. badai menerpa lalu indah. Aaamiin"

Iya juga sih...
Gw juga ngerasain hal yang sama. Dimana masa remaja gw (cailah) tertinggal dibanding temen-temen sebaya gw. Bayangin, temen-temen gw lagi libur panjang kelulusan, gw masih berkutat sama kerjaan. Dimana temen gw ngajak jalan, gw cuma bisa hari Minggu doang. 
Tapi coba dipikir lagi... Dengan ini gw bisa dewasa lebih cepet.
Huffft...boring sih. Tapi yaa seneng aja jadi lebih bisa ceramahin orang (lho!) haha becanda deng. 
Just be foccuss on what I'm doing, and make plans what I will do.
Firstly, I must to graduate with great GPA. At least 3,5 or even perfect!
Secondly, I want to go to an education event in abroad such as fellowship, scholarship, or else.
If those are done nicely, I will thinking of 'heart'. Now I have a person that always be myself, I mean we are so alike. What he does, what he likes, or what he hates are same as me. Eventhough we are in the 180 degrees different cultures. He is European and I am Asian. For exactly he is Croatian and I'm Indonesian.
At first met him, I though he'd tell me that free sex, drunk, or smoking are usual for him. But no, he hates them. He does athletics, and he got many medals from his run competition.
But he is honest to me. What he did that he thinks it is not right and that is just for fun, he told me he wont do it to me. I realy realy appreciate it. We are enjoy our conversation everytime we talk.
I met his sister, his Mom (on webcam, not in personal yet). They are welcome to me. Really happy that his Mom also support his effort to be together with me. 
It is difficult to realizing everyone. They just say "he wont make it, just looking for another guy around you that would hug you and be with you all the time as long as you need him. what you get from the LDR? just nonsene" then they are laughing. Wtfffff... are they could know what I feel when I tell them about my long distance boyfriend? could they see how brightly eyes I had when I'm talking with him, texting with him.

Noo, they are just know about distance and cultures, everything they see is just physically.

I believe he'll keep his promises. I dont have problem to waiting him. As long as he keep trying, keep comunicate with me. I've ever complaining to him, then I feel guilty. He doesnt just have me. He has family, he has job, and he has his own activities. So I'm not the only one.
Haaaahhhh too mush out of topic from my goals in life lol.
Okay then, my marriage. If me and my bf now have destiny to be together, and will make decision together. I will live with him. Whenever he stays. But still, I will never leave my citizenship as Indonesian.
It'd be difficult, I know. But what is life if we just looking for just the easy way. We wont know about efforts.
If imagine about my own family in future with him. It would be absolutely beautiful. Have a handsome husband, have children that have white skin, black hair, bright brown eyes, pointed nose. I really want that they will alike as their father in physically haha.
And about my career, I dont really know about it. I want to be a teacher. Or I will have my own school (Aamiin).
One time, me and him talking about to make our restaurant. Because he is a cheff and he thinks he can teach me to cook. I'm able to cook, Indonesian food. Such as nasi goreng, ayam goreng, rendang. And his country food more same like italian food.
Okay okay those are too much for my imaginations. Shame, but not lame. To have imaginations is make you to have plan and goals. No matter people underestimate you. Dont make people hold your hand, just move it by yourself ;)

This Is Always Happen

Three word in one second "I'M MISSING HIM"

hhhfff, this is always happen to me. Dunno why I always need him everytime he is on my mind. 

But i'm never had negative thinking about him. I trust him as I trust about my love for him.

Feel guilty when he sends me messages whenever he has a chance, but I just reply with unhappy response just because I'm upset he just had short time. And its on and on..

When I feel sad, and his message pops up on my mobile..

That is automatically kills my bad mood. Seriously, he is the one and only my moodbooster for my day, my moodkiller for my heartbreak. Haha but honestly, I'm never regret to love him even if some day God doesnt allow us to be together. I'll never forget him. As always he'll be in my mind. Because he is the most beautiful dream, story, and love I've ever feel.
Always remember the way he say my name, calls me "my love.. my darling".
Says that I'm beautiful. I know its been few guys say that, but he is the most I feel.
Because with other guy, everything they say just a words.
Not with him. I believe what he says. What he tells.

I'll never regret to met you..

Have you ever feel like, you extremely want to hug someone that you love? Feel her/his breath on your nose? Cuddling in the cold weather? And everything you do is to see him/her next to you..

Yep, I feel it. I'm missing my long distance boy. Missing his bright eyes, sweet smile and laugh, and every particular of him. He usually tells me his story, his days when we're away. What he has done for whole day. Uhm.. I just dont wanna he is change. The way he treat me, even his love.

The more he do sweet things, the more I'm affraid he'll change.

But I dont wanna bothering him whenever he is in problem or bussy with his stuffs. I try to understand. Just... Ummm, I'm desperately missing him. As always :(

Hope he has same feeling as me. With him, I always give my sweetest smile because with I smile he'll smile. And I love his smile. 

Pissed Of

Every day goes gone, the more i'm pissed of with something that I cant have time to be alone. All I want is to be alone. Without people who like to put stuffs wherever they want, just staring at their gadget without carying around them, and just complain with messes that I wasnt made.
I feel suicide when I'm with them. Because never comfortable to face with people that just thinking about another people see us. I'm never give a damn with anything people can say to me. I just wanna do my best and let people judge me. Not just being good outside house, and being mad inside a home. I dont know why they just act like wise person, kind person, lovely person. But yeah, in reality many people adored them. But do they realize that, life is not only for other people. Life is like you've done with your needs, then you can help any one that needs a help. Because how can you help a person even if you are the one who more neded help? Is that possibly to survive with that way?
I'm never understand. I know that they wanna be a good in personal. But why to be another people??
Not me??! I am the one who need more love, money, attention. Why they just thinking about poor people? Cat? Or foundation for inability children?
I knowwww, I know that I am not that as poor as what I mentioned.
But attention. I need more attention when I need more reward with anything that I have done. Hellooo... I got 3,6 GPA and all I get just congratulation word? I wash the dishes, and brush the bathroom but she still complain that I'm never care about cleaness? I'm never ask her much money but just for cost to get campuss, yet she still complains with everyone that she confuse to figure out how to pay my tuition study.
Money. As I said, I'm never using my mom money as much as my brother. But does she know how much I give her tollerant of all of her problems? Start from he is marry, his wife give a birth, and in the jail. Ii was trying to be a good daughter for all of the rest of her life. I dont wanna feel guilty when my grandma died, and I made many mistakes for her eventhough I was a child.
Love. I know that they love me. But I dont know how they can show it with all of their heart. I hate when I'm talking and they just staring at their phone and answer "hem..yea..good" fuck.
And always telling tha they have a messages or call from people adore them. Is that give me information? Or they just wanna show me how amazing they are. And the entire of world needs to know it. Phone ringing in the midnight. Taking picture and ask me is that good or not, how can I describe the picture. Look, you are just pissed me of with that question.

I just wanna be alone in one place that I can crying alone, wondering about many things, do whatever my favorite things, and talking with my friends and boyfriend as long as I want.
Yes, I can feel happier just with friends anf boyfriend. They can give me a smile. Hardest thing I feel they just make a joke or they also tell me a story. Just like, my life with friends around me is never useless.
I dont care if they reading this. The reason why I dont tell them in person because they do not want to blamed. Never ever ever want to hear that they are wrong. Always have excuse to refuse it. What ever, I just wanna put my thought not in facebook/twitter that I also can pissing of my frends. lol
Oh yeaaah, this is 11:57 and I still can hear blackberry messenger notification.